Knowing a good joke is a great weapon you can wield in any situation. These 45 beard jokes will help you and your friends enjoy a bunch of really good laughs.
1. Beards are magical. You never see an ugly man with a beard, but you always see an ugly man without a beard.
2. Beards tell you a lot about a man. Full beard: might live in the mountains. Rugged. No beard: might play for the New York Yankees.
3. Facial hair that is only located under the lower lip is called a soul patch. Facial hair that only grows in spots on the neck is known as pitiful.
4. The only type of person that can’t pull off facial hair no matter what style it’s in is a woman.
5. Why is it that beards can only grow in the face? Because they have attachment issues.
6. A study showed that people perceive bearded men as 51% less cheerful than clean shaven men, but anyone able to grow a full beard knows just how happy of a feat that can be.
7. Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard after a little girl wrote him a letter and said he’d look better with one. That same girl, however, had no advice about going to the theater.
8. Studies show on average, a man’s beard will grow 5.5 inches a year. It’s safe to say men wouldn’t mind something else attached to them to do the same.
9. Average men who shave spends roughly 3,350 hours of his life in the bathroom. Men with beards use that time to have fun with the average men’s girlfriends.
10. One time I asked myself what would Jesus do? Then I grew a beard.
11. A man who shaves spends roughly 3,350 hours of his life in the bathroom. A man with a smartphone, wifi, and lotion spends twice that amount.
12. 55% of men from around the world can be seen sporting a beard or facial hair. The other 45% can be seen transitioning into a woman.
13. Growing a beard is like working out except you don’t need your headphones to do it.
14. 55% of men from around the world can be seen sporting a beard or facial hair. The rest can be seen working for them.
15. Do you want your beard to grow thicker? Man up. If that doesn’t work then you probably didn’t do it right.
16. A dog is man’s best friend. A beard is man’s best wingman.
17. 55% of men worldwide have a beard or facial hair. The other 45% can’t be trusted. Donald Trump doesn’t have a beard. Coincidence? I think not.
18. Beards are so cool bouncers let you enter the club before the clean-shaven men.
19. Wanna know the difference between a man with a beard and a man without one? One man gets more respect. The other man doesn’t have a beard.
20. A bearded man is the Cadillac of mankind.
21. Beards are popular. So popular they can make the Kardashians jealous.
22. Growing a beard can distract the guy or girl you have a crush on from how fat or ugly you are.
23. Beards are so awesome, God grew one
24. A picture is worth a thousand words. A beard is worth a thousand souls.
25. Growing a beard is like being a doctor. You need patience (patients).
26. Keep your body clean, but your beard cleaner.
27. If your beard is longer than Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin then you’re doing it right.
28. Having a beard doesn’t make you a douchebag. It makes you THE douchebag. The kind that every woman wants to f%&k.
29. Treat your beard the same way you would like people to treat your daughter. Like a pretty princess.
30. Beards are for tough guys like Chuck Norris. Legend has it that Chuck Norris’s Beard had to get permission to grow on his face because it was intimidated by his toughness.
31. Beards are sexy. Said ALL women everywhere.
32. Beards are warm. It’s like a jacket for your face.
33. A man with a beard is like a coffee shop with wifi, everyone loves them.
34. My best friend got himself a girlfriend who only likes him because of his beard. I guess you could say that love is in the hair.
35. Bald men need beards to demonstrate their humanity. Without them, they are basically eggs / walking eggs.
36. Beards are men’s makeup: there are thousands of styles to choose from, they improve an ugly face, and you can easily spot a fake one.
37. My girlfriend said she wouldn’t like me without my beard, so I kept it. My beard is shaving this relationship from failure.
38. I had to crop half my beard from my profile picture. The other half didn’t make the cut.
39. Why is it that beards are men’s best feature? Because they’re cut above the rest.
40. Butchers don’t shave their beards. They chop it.
41. What is Leo Messi’s / Lebron’s / Joshua’s favorite beard style? The GOATee.
42. What does Keanu Reeves say when he sees a really good beard? “You’re beardtaking!”
43. Men with good beards rarely make bad investments. They know they could lose all of their shavings.
44. Beard Grylls: a survival specialist, and also a very good barber. a good survival specialist, a better barber.
45. Beards, ‘cause men without them don’t know how to change a tire.