For guys, Beards are fashion accessories. We wear ‘em proudly even if we don’t take particularly good care of them. Sure, in some circles a beard is considered a mask – something hiding our true facial features. But the truth is, for many beard wearers, we’re just a tad on the lazy side.
We aren’t interested in razor burn and having to splash searing colognes on our faces to slam shut all of those exposed pores. However, we do have an internal alarm clock that tells us when we need to give the facial mask a trim. So, when to trim your beard? Here are some of the signals we get:
1 – The Appearance Of Unusual Objects
Sure, we know that sometimes our beards get in the way. When they start to collect things such as food, small animals, and even hand tools we know it is getting pretty close to the time when the rechargeable razor needs to get plugged in.
But we also have a high tolerance for that sort of thing. Need a screwdriver or pen? Chances are we’ve got one hiding in our beard. When the objects get bigger than those things, we know it’s time for a trim.
2 – The Soup Strainer
We touched on it briefly already. Food tends to get stuck in our beards. Usually, it’s in the form of crumbs and they are usually the ones that are produced from our ongoing desire to fill our mouths with food.
However, when our beards end up dipping into a nice, hot, steaming bowl of soup, chili or even stew, we know that the first time it happens we can typically cover it up as an accident. When we end up using our beards as strainers we need to chop off some of it.
3 – The Smell Factory
There is no nice way to put this. Sometimes a beard starts to smell funky. We’re not talking funky as in really fun to be around, either. Sure, you may not pick up on that clue instantly as you get to smell it all day, every day.
But there will be others around you who will kindly let you know that there is some nasty business going on inside that hairy face covering of yours. Pets and small children passing out near you are a warning sign.
4 – The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time
If you work with heavy equipment you’ll completely relate to this one. There are times when an awesome looking beard can become a hazard. We’re talking about something other than smelling bad. If you use any kind of power tools, you will need to be on the lookout for these kinds of hazards.
If your beard is long enough to get caught in your lawnmower, as an example, you need to do some serious facial hedge trimming. It’s the right thing to do. If you are growing some facial hair under your nose, check out these mustache styles whether you can play one!
5 – The Captain Jack Sparrow Problem
Cornrows look great if the hair used happens to be on the top of your head. When your beard is long enough to be braided, put into ponytails or any other style best suited for the upper region of your head, then you could be inching into territory that points more to you being lazy than fashionable.
Ever notice how the Captain Jack Sparrow beard beadwork has never really caught on? It’s got nothing to do with pirates and everything to do with style.
6 – The Style Machine
Speaking of style… there are many examples throughout the ages when beards that have grown just a tad longer than they should be in need of a serious trim long before some kind of accident took place.
Sure, maybe the guys in ZZ Top had something going for them but that was in the 1980s. Time has passed and even the rest of the ‘hair bands’ of that era are no longer as hairy as they once were. If you are looking for a style, biker beards are not that hip.
7 – The Name Game
Kids can be cruel. There is no getting away from it. But you know what? They also have no filters and that is why they tend to blurt out things that may be slightly raw but are really just the same.
While we do not condone name calling, if the young people in your life do start to pick on you and attach silly beard-related nicknames, you know that the time has come to either lock them in a trunk or trim your beard. It’s your call!
8 – The Fire Bug
There may be some random fun things you can do once your beard gets to a certain length, girth, and level of crustiness and assorted other criteria that only a true beard wearer would understand. However, when to trim that beard?
Well, when your beard gets to the point where you can use it to light a match or to fan a campfire there has to be an intervention of some kind. Sure, we all like you but we want you to get rid of your dependence on that rug on your face.
9 – The Nest
We’ve also touched slightly on this point as well, but it bears a bit of clarification. We all love wildlife. But when the birds and the bees start to use your beard as their springtime homes you have a serious problem developing.
Firstly, what are you going to do with all that honey? Secondly, no one is going to buy honey that comes from your beard. Seriously. It’s not going to happen. Do us all a favor, look in the mirror once in awhile and get a better razor.
The Results Are In
There you have it. The definitive list of ways to know when your beard needs to be trimmed. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Someone is going to wave this list in your face if you don’t start taking better care of your personal grooming. A beard is awesome if you take care of it. If you don’t, you may as well just wear a mask and call yourself Beardman or something goofy like that.